Diary of a Gundam Pilot: Duo Maxwell (yaoi)
by Aletta
Summary: A glimpse into Duo Maxwell's diary. Spoof on the writing style in Bridget Jones's Diary, parody, humor. WARNING: This Fic Contains Yaoi Content. If your personal beliefs find this intoleratible, then do us both a favor and don't read the fic after I gave


Duo Maxwell's Diary

Thursday, March 23

_Caffeine intake: Quadruple Espresso Delight (tall_), _six cups half caffeine coffee (hardly worth the effort)_

_Weight: 115 lbs (pitiful--am surprised stiff wind doesn't blow me away)_

_Fantasies Involving Heero: 27 (terrible, terrible)_

__

8:00 amWoke up this morning to the sound of Quatre singing in the shower. Very amusing. Got up to tease Quatre (g. naturedly, of course) about his v. stunning rendition of "My Heart Will Go On"as he was leaving bathroom and discovered that 'Quatre' was Wu Fei. Was unaware that Wu Fei could sing in such a high soprano.

Note to self: Hide tape recorder in bathroom tomorrow to hopefully procure blackmail material.

Trowa hid the espresso maker. Again. Had to make do with half-caffienated java. Ugh. Will make run later out to rectify this situation with a quadruple tall espresso delight (with chocolate sprinkles). Mmm...sprinkles...

8:56 amHeero came out of his room wearing nothing but those little spandex shorts, hair dripping wet from shower. *drool* Hopefully did not notice me mentally stripping off said shorts. Believe that self managed to keep cool v. respectively. Have absolutely no idea why Quatre thought my nosebleed and Heero's shorts were connected. Nosebleeds have nothing to do with shorts, even tight spandex shorts covering Heero Yuy's superior posterior...

Argh. Must go get tissue.

12:32 pmGot quadruple tall espresso delight on way out to get more tissue (having used the last during nosebleeds). New boy forgot the chocolate sprinkles. Believe that reaction to this was quite reasonable.

Was v. kind of his manager to let him go home to get a new pair of pants after I left. If he thinks that was bad, I would hate to see what would have happened if he had put nutmeg on top of Heero's chai. *shudders*

3:00 pmHeero, Trowa, and Quatre left on mission at 2:35. Hopefully will be back tomorrow. Caught Wu Fei reading Macy Beckworth's Modern Housekeeper's Monthly. Hopefully pictures will come out. Of course, considering the fact that Wu Man did massive amounts of damage attempting to shove camera up unpleasant orifices....

Well, one can hope, right?  
  


Monday, March 27

_Caffeine intake_: _Chocolate mocha, 5 shots espresso, 2 lattes, 5 cups coffee, 1 extra-zing cola._

_Weight: 112 lbs (must discover where 2 lbs went and bring them back, with friends)_

_Fantasies Involving Heero: 7 (excellent, especially the one that...argh, nosebleed)_

12:13 pmStill no sign of Heero, Quatre, and Trowa. Relena came looking for Heero. Successfully snuck large hairy fake spider into her purse while she wasn't looking. Result: Most satisfying and successful, judging from the volume of screams issuing from pink limo as it drove away. Love it when she likes my presents. *snicker*

3:34 pm: Quatre + Trowa returned, and promptly locked themselves in Quatre's room after mission debriefing. Heero should be in next day or two; Heero could not get transport back to safehouse on same flight as Quatre + Trowa.

3:40 pmPlayed blackmail tape to cheer up. Wu Fei pretended not to notice.

Wednesday, March 29

_Caffeine intake:_ _2 liters extra zing cola, one latte delight._

_Weight: 111 lbs. lbs are deserting. Unforgivable._

_Fantasies involving Heero: 32 (horriblehorriblehorrible)_

_Above Fantasies that involved Heero + Laptop: 12_

11:00 amHeero returned, promptly locked himself in his room with his laptop after mission debriefing. Must wonder if Heero is engaged in same activity with laptop as Quatre was with Trowa. Quatre and self listened at door to hear if unusual noises were issuing forth; none. However, have come to the conclusion that impossible has occurred and Quatre now outweighs me. Humiliating. Will start new weight lifting regimen and eat nothing but weight gain bars until situation is rectified.

1:23 pmBrought Heero lunch. Heero was not involved in mechical love with laptop. Heero was, however, so absorbed with laptop that could have spilled soup over Heero's head without Heero noticing. Resisted urge. Celebrated self-control with triple hot fudge sundae over hot double chocolate brownie. Added benefit: weight gain.

6:56 pmOrder came to move to new safe house. Only two bedrooms. Considering fact that none with right mind would want to share a room with Quatre and Trowa, this means that self will be in bedroom with Heero. Joyful thought. However, it also means that Wu Fei will be in bedroom with self and Heero. Terrible thought.

Thursday, March 30

_Caffeine intake:_ _Three cups coffee (extra sugar), one-liter cola, one super concentrated Espresso Ultra._

_Weight: 112 lbs. Apparently lbs have been shamed into returning_

_Height: 5' 3"_

_Fantasies involving Heero:_ _56, not including the one currently running through horrible, dirty mind._

2:34 pm: Successful move to new safe house. Turns out to be _three_ bedroom. Wu Fei refused to share room with self, on grounds that I am a "lunatic" and "out to get him" and forcing Wu Fei to share room with self would be "injustice". Heero will not share room with Wu Fei on grounds that Wu Fei's obsessive Nataku worship is too distracting when he needs to focus on the next mission. This has put Heero and I in one bedroom. Excellent.

9:45 pm:Self's constant chatter has caused Heero to gag and tie self up to bed. Had many fantasies involving this, unfortunately, none ended with self strung up like Christmas turkey while Heero is curled up in bed across room asleep. Luckily can write with pen braced between toes. Good for more tha

11:34 pm: Finally managed to wiggle pen back between toes after dropping pen. Have realized that Heero sleeps naked after Heero rolled over onto his stomach and sheet dropped down to hips. Horrifically tempting. Luckily self is tied up like kinky bondage participant. Wish self was actually kinky bondage participant, especially if kinky bondage scene involved Heero and black leather.

Friday, March 31

_Caffeine intake: 8 cups coffee (black), 2 liters extra zing cola, 1 espresso, 3 mochas.  
Weight: 97 lbs. (hurray!)_

Height: 5' 3" 

_Fantasies involving Heero: 5. Absolutely saintly._

12:22 am: Realized that Heero does not, in fact, sleep naked. Heero's tight spandex shorts (tm) had merely ridden down a bit lower as he tossed and turned in his sleep. Horrifically disappointing, but still sexy.

7:00 am: Remarkably cheery despite getting four hours of sleep (horrifying). Dozed off at some point and awoke untied. Still however, gagged. Funny, Heero, really funny. Luckily had closed diary and kicked sheets over it before sleeping, but must wonder what Heero thought about pen clutched between toes.

10:30 am: Had an excellent breakfast consisting of extra-cal smoothie, four eggs, and twelve strips of bacon, plus after-breakfast muscle building bar that contains more calories than most people digest in a week. Can feel the pounds forming. Did nice long exercise routine with Trowa after breakfast. Feel that chance of building more manly physique outweighs calorie loss. Do not, after all, want to end up looking like Romfeller founder, overweight scientist, or similar.

4:56 pm: Excruciating amounts of pain have rendered self immobile. Note to self: never do work out routine with former circus acrobat again.

  


Monday, April 3

_Caffeine Intake: 9 cups coffee, 1 liter cola_

_Weight: 111 lbs. COME BACK!!!._

_Fantasies Involving Heero: 23 (mostly in the morning)_

1:45 am: Woke up after especially intense dream involving Heero, self, and whipped cream. Was unable to return to sleep afterwards. Stayed up and watched Heero sleep instead. Heero is v. attractive when curled up in bed and sleeping, especially since one can see the gun he has tucked under his pillow when he moves just right. Awwwwwww….

Thursday, April 6

_Caffeine intake: 8 cups coffee_

_Weight: 116 lbs. Hoping trend continues_

_Fantasies Involving Heero: 0 (wheeeell…okay…maybe one or five…)_

_Fantasies Involving Killing Relena: 56_

_ _

12:13 pm: Am going to kill Heero. Relena showed up at door and made a huge fuss about Needing To Talk To Heero In Private As Soon As Possible. Therefore, Heero is going out to dinner with her tonight.

In her hotel room.

Alone.

No clue as to whether or not Heero realizes what her Urgent Business is, though elf knows very well. Am going to personally kill both Heero and Relena slowly, using one of those little hooks you use to fork lobster meat out of a lobster shell. Self now has intense craving for lobster. Mission: Find lobster, preferably good lobster.

3:45 pm: Got lobster; v. good, but headache from melted butter. Added benefit: salt might cause water retention, and thus weight gain.

5:43 pm: Heero is heading out for his "meeting" with Relena. Have decided to follow in guise of overprotective mission partner, covertly, of course, in manner of spy.

6:33 pm: Heero just went into the Suite of Doom. Am hiding out in dirty linen cart across room; paid off maid to not collect until later tonight. Excellent, if funny smelling, hiding place. Would be better however if not sitting on wet towels.

7:00 pm: No sign of Heero.

7:12 pm: Still no sign of Heero.

7:30 pm: Some noise coming from Suite. Disturbed, got out of laundry cart and pressed ear to crack of door in manner of shameless eavesdropper.

"I don't understand." Relena said. This is hardly an uncommon occurrence. There are lots of things Relena doesn't understand. The fact that it is hypocritical to claim to be a devout pacifist while trying to get into the pants of a man who's essentially a killing machine comes to mind. After all, what the hell would the Child be like?

Simply cannot imagine Heero + Relena producing Child. No, take that back, am currently having all to clear a vision of a little pink clad toddler with white blonde hair and Prussian blue eyes toddling about a priceless mansion with a submachine gun in one hand threatening to self destruct anyone who doesn't convert to absolute pacifism.

More to point, cannot imagine Heero + Relena going through necessary biological functions to produce Child. Concept is just….yucky. Cannot see Perfect Godlike Solider Heero with Pink Prissy Princess Relena. Of course, cannot see Perfect Solider Heero with self either, though at least self and Heero would not produce any bizarre violent pacifistic offspring. Well…not without scientific help, anyway…

"I've tried. I've been patient. I don't understand why you don't show any sign of even liking me very much." Relena was whining. Relena's whine, amplified, could serve very well as a weapon of mass destruction and absolute terror.

Note to self: see about taping Relena whining to use to annoy Wu Fei.

Had to dart quickly back from door as Heero was storming out of it just then. Luckily can leap away like springing jungle cat. Training with Trowa is finally paying off. Well, that and don't want to be caught by The Pink Priss Miss eavesdropping on failed attempt to woo Heero. Definitely didn't want to be caught by Heero.

Of course, was promptly **spotted** by Heero. Thankfully, Heero promptly spun around to face Relena.

"I don't like you." He said coldly. "Not like that."

Relena's eyes were wounded. "Give me one good reason why."

Heero turned to face me.

Only thought in head was: Oh shit. I am seriously dead meat. Rather like deer facing a speeding truck…or a rampaging Gundam.

He glanced over his shoulder at Relena. "Because." He said, voice dripping frost. "I don't like girls."

Then he grabbed me and kissed me as if Relena had given him some sort of poisen only I could purge. Ohhhhhhh…

Of course Heero, being Heero, let me go and thundered down the hall and out of sight, leaving Relena looking remarkably like a squashed bullfrog and me feeling like my body had been turned into jello.

Well, most of my body, anyway.

Luckly revived from jello-like state in time to fend of Relena's claws (when the hell she decided to grow her nails into talons?????). Nearly lost an eye in that first swipe; did the sensible thing and tackled her, yanking at her hair. She in turn decided to try and throttle me with my own braid, and was almost successful, sorry to say, except I managed to snap her bra strap. Haven't met a girl _yet_ who didn't flitch and yipe at that unexpected assault.

She responded by grabbing by my hand and attempting to chew off my wrist. Have concluded that Relena has not only grown nails into claws, but has had her teeth filed down into vampire like little spikes. Luckily, however, this prevented her from successfully strangling me with my own locks, and managed to knee her good in the stomach before the fight more or less disintegrated into a lot of scratching and hair pulling and name calling and flying elbows.

Still resentful that that dumb guard had to call for help in 'separating the girls'.Do _not_ look like a girl, long hair aside.

Quatre and Trowa showed up about then ("To check up on you." Quatre said. "You find trouble like a klutz finds cracks in the sidewalk") and between the two of them successfully pried us apart. Quatre sent Relena back to her room to have a cup of tea and relax, giving her The Talk about how Trying To Ambush Heero is A Bad Idea. Love the lovely Quatre. His way of smiling and just dissolving tension in a room should be new lesson to self in way of proper man to behave.

Quatre and Trowa are taking me out for a drink in order to help me dissect the Great Heero Kiss scene away from Heero. Need some good advice right now(as well as distance between self and Heero) as instinct is to go hunt Heero down and jump him, which is soooooooo not a good idea….

11:34 pm: Donwahhnago 'ome and havefta face Hero…beer is nice, beer dosshen't kiss sombody n walk offlik nothing happened…Quatrentorwa think I should tog back an toalk to Hero…curlonpun couch is nice…

Friday, April 7

_Caffeine intake: the mere thought of consuming anything makes my stomach turn_

_Weight: 115 lbs. Must have puked up a pound at some point last night_

_Fantasies Involving Heero: 87. Dammit._

_ _

1:33 pm: Slept on the bloody couch last night because I didn't want to have to face stumbling into the room drunk. Woke up finally because Wu Fei was about to cover me with the new sofa cover he'd made from a pattern in Homemaker's Craft Journal. Stupid Wu Fei. If my head wasn't a nuclear bomb right now I'd kill him.

4:14 pm: Am being ignored by Heero. Am not pleased by this. You don't just randomly kiss your partner then wander off not only act like nothing happened, but ignore said partner's existence.

Hate Heero Yuy.

Wish he'd take off that sweater…mmm…

7:35 pm: Hurricane that was gleefully ripping up insides of skull finally let up, so asked Heero about last night. He just sort of shrugged and said I was handy and I proved a point, and if he'd had to make out with Treiz and Zechs at the same time to get his point across he would have, and he thought I was a good sport for playing along.

Playing? Yeah, right. Heh heh heh. Thankfully managed to keep back wail of despair until Heero was out of earshot. I hate. Hate. Hate. Hate Heero Yuy.

10:56 pm: Don't hate Heero Yuy. Love Heero Yuy. Love Heero Yuy like I've never loved anyone or anything in my entire existence, and he'd a god damn bastard if he can't see that, everyone else can, even a dense idiot like Wu Fei can see that, and dammit I know I shouldn't have followed Heero but I couldn't help myself I couldn't stand the thought of him being alone with Relena like that, and dammit all I ever hoped for was for him not to fucking hate me but he had to go and kiss me and get my hopes up and scare me and then break me and dammit I don't think even I deserved that. God, you must really have it fucking in for me. I hate you too. I'm tired of crying over this. I haven't cried since I was seven and now I can't bloody well stop and I don't think Heero believed me it was over some sappy TV special Quatre and I had been watching….

Saturday, April 8

Caffeine Intake: 0, and have never been happier 

_Weight: 115 lbs._

_Fantasies About Heero: Lost track…_

_ _

3:21 am:Oh my fucking god. The absolutely last thing I ever expected was to accidentally wake Heero up with a crying fit. Vastly underestimated how light a sleeper Heero Yuy actually is, considering fact that know was not crying that loud. Was utterly and completely horrified being caught crying by Heero Yuy in the middle of the night like that, though in hindsight should have sobbed into pillow a long time ago, considering the result.

"Are you all right?" Heero sounded concerned. For Heero, this is a big thing. Except when he's all gleeful in the cockpit, Heero's vocal expressions are as flat as his facial ones.

"I'm fine." I lied. "Just so..heartwarming…" I hid a sob.

A pause. "I thought you never lied."

"I don't…"

"Then why are you lying to me?"

Thousands of excuses flitted through my mind, but before I could pick one, the truth came out. "Because it's easier than facing what you did to me."

"I told you…"

"I know what you told me." A hiccup. Humiliating. "You told me that you were using me to get at Relena. An' to be truthful I never really hoped it was anything else, but I wanted to, god I wanted to, and then you just had to break every dream I've nursed into little itty bitty pieces and do a waltz on top of them, complete with castanets…"

"…Duo, there are no castanets in the waltz."

"I don't care." I snapped, forgetting to be calm and reasoning like Quatre. "Didn't you feel _anything_ when you kissed me? Aside from relief that you were making a spectacle Relena won't soon forget?"

Silence.

"I didn't think so." I rolled over and faced the wall. "Just leave me alone."

"…..I can't."

"Oh really, Heero? And why is that?" I demanded bitterly. "My crying keeping you up? You could always share Wu Fei's room, if his hand embroidered tapestry of Shenlong isn't still taking up the entirety of the other bed."

Felt the weight of Heero sitting down on my bed—well, pinning me down on my bed—before I saw him, and didn't have time to react to that (probably by beating him with a pillow, or similarly mature and adult thing) before he was kissing me again. Damned good thing that breathing is an instinctive function requiring no thought, or else would have died at that point of oxygen deprivation by forgetting to breath after being kissed by Heero. Also lucky that forgot to breath, in a way, or else probably would have been hyperventilating and promptly passed out.

"I don't want to share a damned room with Wu Fei." Heero growled in my ear. "And I wouldn't have kissed you if I hadn't wanted to. I could have found other ways of shaking her." He grazed his lips against the edge of my ear, and I was surprised that I did not promptly melt into the mattress and end up in a puddle on the floor. "But you were there, and…"

"Why didn't you _say something_?!" I demanded.

"I didn't perceive that to be the proper time to tell you how I felt, and afterwards the way you were skulking around avoiding me made me think you regretted it." Heero replied. "Especially the way Quatre kept glaring at me like he was going to have Trowa personally castrate me. I assumed…"

I kissed Heero, then. Who needs scotch? This is more intoxicating than any liquor known to man. "Don't assume." I informed him. "It creates misunderstandings."

"But you assumed that I…" Heero tried to protest against my lips, before giving it up as a lost cause and more than compensating for sending self into depressed drinking binge and night of constant weeping.

11:43 am: Have learned several new lessons today that must put to work in daily life.

1)Assuming is bad. Sometimes you assume something is going to be bad and it isn't, which can make otherwise ideal situation bad.

2)Allergic to whatever it is Relena uses for nail polish. Damn those welts have swelled up.

3)Lbs and height do not matter, as Heero does not care that self is smallish and pathetically thin

4)Never, ever, ever let Heero trick self with "just five more minutes" and acting all cuddly. He does not cuddle. Well, okay, he does cuddle, but only after having screwed the living daylights out of self, which was nice, but could have lived without the constant glares from Wu Fei…I didn't realize the box springs were _that_ squeaky…

Fin 


End file.
